Sand Between My Toes

Life is...

2009-05-30T05:37:16Z

I have been needing the comfort of a human touch much more then usual, lately. Most of the time, 99%, I can bury that need so deeply, I'm not even aware of it. That's just not working, anymore. It's a constant ache. I was given a man's t-shirt 14 years ago. Lately, I've been cuddling it to my chest when I go to sleep at night. It helps, a bit. That t-shirt has been soaking up some tears, too.

I signed up for E-Harmony about a month ago. I thought it was time I made an effort to find someone, a man I can be friends with and, hopefully, find romance, too. A few days later, though, I did a breast self-exam and found what every woman dreads finding. E-Harmony lost all importance, just like that.

I've managed to survive for years without anyone to lean on. I've taken care of a bipolar son for years without anyone to help me. I WILL make it through this on my own, too, because I don't have any choice in the matter, but why is this so much more difficult then anything else has been? Why does this make me ache for a human touch like nothing else ever has? I will not get that human touch and I'm going to have to learn to be even stronger then I already am. When am I going to reach the point that my defenses, my need to be strong, will be so solid that nothing will EVER breach them?

I don't want to be alone, anymore. But I will be alone, until it's too late. Until I no longer feel my aloneness.

Life sucks.

Sea

Venting

2009-02-06T05:39:45Z

I am very angry right now. I am so angry, that I'm focused too much on the anger, instead of seeing what I should be seeing. I need to get rid of this anger, so I can deal with something much more important.

My eldest child was arrested Sunday night. He's being charged with rape. His girlfriend is accusing him. My son is not capable of forcing himself on someone. He is not cruel. He is not violent. He did not do this. The sky is blue, the grass is green, my son did not do this.

I had a conversation with my ex-husband on Tuesday. The man who fathered my son. I told him that he couldn't possibly believe that our child was capable of this. His response was "I would LIKE to believe that he isn't...but I won't indulge in wishful thinking."

My god, how the hell did I ever marry such a cold bastard?

Today, they finally got my son out on bail. I couldn't do it because I had $32 in my account this morning. I still haven't seen him and he hasn't called. I had to leave the courthouse before they'd processed my son out, because I had to be back home to get my youngest off the school bus. Before I left, though, I made the idiot mistake of letting my ex and his father get to me. I stupidly lost my temper.

While waiting for the bail to be processed, my ex, his second wife and I all sat in the cafeteria, "talking". Every single time I asked a question of my ex, no matter what question it was, how it was phrased, what tone of voice...whatever (and I made absolutely certain that nothing about me was confrontational) EVERY single time, my ex would wait a bit before answering. He sat there and just stared at me. I couldn't figure out if he was slowly counting to 10....waiting for me to retract the question because how dare I pretend I actually matter....or blinking in amazement that the furniture was actually speaking. More then once, I was tempted to say "Okay, you win. I blinked. Now answer the question."

When his father was rude to me, though, that's when I lost it. I turned to Lisa, my ex's second wife, and said "I've had it. I'm done." and I walked out. I childishly slammed a glass door open on my way out.

Now I'm really mad at myself for letting them get to me. I had every right to be there and I shouldn't have let them drive me off. They made it extremely obvious, today, that they didn't think I belonged there. Now they will make sure that I continue to stay out.

Now that I have vented that anger, I can focus on my son. I've called and left a message. I will call again tomorrow. Eventually, they have to let me talk to him.

Sea

More Political Commercials Ranting

2008-10-30T18:16:21Z

Just a few more days of these commercials and they'll finally be over. In the meantime, though, I'm getting confused about the Colorado Amendments and what the commercials say about them.

Take Amendment 49-Allowable Government Paycheck Deductions. The wording of the amendment says that it PROHIBTS deductions being made on government paychecks, except for the deductions that every other worker has, like federal tax, social security, medical insurance and garnishments for liens and child support. It even allows for charitable deductions. The amendment simply stops any other deductions from being made. It applies to ALL public employees in the state of Colorado. The political commercial against it makes it out to be something evil aimed at hurting the firefighters in the state, by taking out bits and pieces of their paycheck, effectively making it that they have no say over what happens to their pay. Do I take that commercial to mean that firefighters are currently exempt from such deductions? Do they not have to pay federal tax, social security...or child support? I'm absolutely confused.

And then there's Amendment 51-State Sales Tax Increase for Services for People with Developmental Disabilities. The political commercial in favor of this amendment states that it will effectively add only two pennies to a ten dollar lunch and the benefit will be to get twelve thousand developmentally disabled people off the waiting list and into state services. Sounds good, right? Did you know that part of the wording of that amendment states that ALL retailers will be responsible for paying a three percent sales tax on ALL sales made PRIOR to January 1, 2001. Yes, you read that right. It wasn't a typo. All sales made *before* January, 2001. And between 2001 and 2009, the sales tax is *slightly* smaller....2.90%. The amendment talks about additional taxes on any vehicles sold in the last eight years. It mentions something about taxing on storage, but you could get a refund if those taxes were spent on biotechnology research during that fiscal year. HUH??? What is anything talking about biotechnology doing in an amendment to get developmentally disabled people off the waiting list??

Amendment 47-Political commercials are strongly against it. What's wrong with saying that employers are prohibited from *requiring* an employee to be in a union??

Amendment 54-Political commercials say that it will "silence the voice of the workers". The amendment says that if you have a government contract to provide services, you cannot then make a political "donation" totaling $100,000 or more. Silencing the voice of the workers...by making it that they can't bribe the government to continue giving them a sole provider contract??

Amendment 46-Political commercials say that it "slams the door on opportunity". Looks to me like it makes education and employment equal opportunity for everyone, instead of having to fill a quota or something like that. My elder children have something like 1/16th Native American ancestry. Because of that, if they chose to take advantage of it, they could get a full college education, I'm told. Do they have a right to it, simply because a great-great-great grandparent was Native American? Should they be taught that what's in their blood is better then what's in their heads? That because an ancestor was born, they can rest on *that* person's heritage instead of accomplishing things on their own?

Anyway, I'm just going on the political commercials and what I've read in the state ballot information booklet. Maybe there's more going on then I know, like the firefighters objection to 49. Maybe they have a really good reason that I don't know about. It's just really annoying to me that amendments pass or fail based ONLY on the strength of the political commercials.

Sea

Political Commercials

2008-09-24T22:03:19Z

Hey there, whatever readers I might have left. Sorry I haven't been around. I've been busy falling in love.

Anyway, I'm just here to do a little ranting and raving because the current crop of political commercials is seriously pissing me off. Let me state, right from the beginning, that I am a Libertarian, so I won't be voting for either McCain or Obama. If I was inclined to vote, though, I'd vote for McCain for the SOLE reason that Obama's commercials annoy the hell out of me.

For example, the commercial about abortion. It says, straight out, "If McCain becomes President, he WILL outlaw abortion." How many people in America actually believe this to be a true statement and will, therefore, vote for Obama out of fear? Far too many, I'll bet. The President does NOT have that much power, all by himself. This is WHY we created the Congress and the Supreme Court. A President is not able at ALL to outlaw abortion. Congress would not allow it.

Now there's a commercial about Iraq building a Ferris Wheel in Baghdad, using their billions in oil profits. The commercial continues by saying that McCain wants to continue spending 10 million a day *IN* Iraq, the implication being that Iraq is profiting from the money that McCain wants to keep spending. Okay, now...excuse me...but aren't we spending that money on a "war" with Iraq?? But Iraq is profiting from it, according to the commercial. Ummmm...huh??

Again, however, how many people in America will not stop to think about what the commercial is actually saying and just react from fear and anger? I'm afraid that far too many will. I'm not thrilled with the idea of McCain being President but I'm becoming terrified of the idea of Obama being President. If Obama is twisting his words and presenting a skewed sense of reality just in his commercials...what in hell will he do at the reins of this country?

Sea

Late Night Giggle

2008-07-18T06:35:14Z

I was checking out one of my favorite websites before heading to bed and I just loved this one. The "overheard by" just makes it! This is from http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/

1PM It Was Cheaper Than Buying a Playpen
Coworker and mother of a two and a five-year-old : Oh wait! I gotta go. I have to pick my kids up from the jail!

N Willamette Street
Coburg, Oregon

Overheard by: Glad her husband is a sheriff

I'll post again soon, hopefully this weekend. Need to catch up on some sleep, first.

Sea

What's been happening

2008-06-25T03:25:14Z

Life has been.....interesting.

Not long before my youngest finished second grade, he told his therapist that Sierra (the little girl that told him to eat goose poop) had been taking him into the bathroom at school and playing with his privates. The therapist told me and, later on that day, I got Chris to tell me himself. He also told me that he and Sierra would sit outside, on the playground, with his jacket over his lap and she would tell Chris to unzip his pants so she could play with him there, too.

Maybe some people would not consider that sexual abuse, since it was a girl and since they were both 8 years old, but I do. I know that it also means that Sierra herself has been abused and she was only doing what she had been taught. I am FURIOUS with the school for not supervising my child better than that and for not separating Chris and Sierra as I had asked them to do after the goose poop incident. Not only that, but after the principal had completed her investigation into my accusation, the ONLY information she gave me was that the investigation was complete. She wouldn't even tell me, officially, if anything had actually happened or not. I told her that, as a mother, I needed to know what had happened to my son so that I could help him. She said, "I understand that, but I still can't tell you anything."

So, Chris's reaction to the abuse was to get violent with other kids at school. Because he was putting other kids' safety in jeopardy, Chris was suspended the last week of school. And, because the last two weeks that he attended, Chris was violent on three separate occasions, the summer program that I had him enrolled in kicked him out for the ENTIRE summer. I didn't argue with the one week suspension. It was better for everyone that way. I'm PISSED that he was kicked out for THREE months. That's was a major over-reaction, as far as I'm concerned.

On the positive side, I got him enrolled in a "therapy day camp", through the same agency where Chris gets his weekly therapy. He started going there a couple of weeks ago and he thoroughly loves it. It's just three days a week, for a few hours a day, but he's among other kids, doing fun things and getting therapy at the same time.

You know, my son has enough problems growing up. Between being bi-polar, having no dad and a flaky mom, he has enough problems. How in the hell is he going to grow into a reasonably well-adjusted adult with all of this that he has to deal with?

Sea

My son's progress

2008-04-27T05:28:53Z

Remember sometime ago, I made a long-winded post about life with my bi-polar son? Well, I figured it was time for an update.

One...half the time, he now goes to the bathroom with the door shut!! Woo hoo!!

Two...there is NEVER a problem with his bowel movements now. He no longer fights going.

Three...not only does he finally sleep in his own room every night, but at least 90% of the time, he even lets me sleep the entire night through! He's no longer waking me up 3-5 times every single night. So, we're still getting up between 5:30 and 6am every day. No biggie.

Four...He hasn't thrown a major temper tantrum in about a month, now. Not since his favorite bus driver, Ivan, came back on the job.

Five...He actually takes "no" for an answer, most of the time. He wouldn't be a little boy if he accepted it without question every time, so I'm very happy with what he's doing now.

Six...and this one is a biggie....he's finally stopped sucking his thumb!!! I'd been getting increasingly worried about how to break him of that habit. I'd been told that every child who sucks his thumb also has some other "security blanket" type item, be it an actual blanket, or a teddy bear. If you take the other item away, the thumb sucking will stop. However, the only time Chris ever sucked his thumb was when he could hold onto me. How do I take *me* away from him? His brother, Danny, solved the problem. The last time Danny was here for a visit, I watched as Danny sat down with Chris and compared thumb sizes with him. Since Danny is almost 15 now, his thumb was obviously bigger. What I didn't hear until later, was that Danny told Chris that Chris's thumb was so much smaller because he sucked it all the time and getting it wet so much, made his thumb...shrink. It worked! Chris can still cuddle with me and hold my hand, but without sucking his thumb now. I am so proud of both of my boys for that one.

Other good news. A couple of weeks ago, Chris's father got a tax refund that came to me. That refund paid off over half of the back support that Jim owed. I was not expecting it. First I knew of it was when I checked my bank balance and saw $850 instead of the $40 I was expecting. I can't express the relief I felt. I paid off all my bills, including the storage bill. I finally have all my things back.

The other day, it occurred to me that I'll probably be getting Jim's economic stimulus money, too. Or part of it, anyway. It would pay off the rest of his back support. I heard that the payments are supposed to start on Monday. Now, wouldn't it be nice if the government went through Family Support Registry (and it's various counterparts) first and paid towards all parents' back support? Wouldn't that be lovely for all custodial parents?

I need to head to bed.

Sea

Another news article rant-n-rave

2008-04-19T05:08:07Z

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/18/polygamy.custody/index.html?eref=rss_latest

Okay, what the hell kind of biased article was THAT??? All throughout it...FLDS pleads innocence...think of the children...this is not good for them...experts say FLDS doesn't "commonly" do this....etc and so forth.

And at the very, very end...one tiny little paragraph...

"The state had the burden of demonstrating to Walther why removing the children was necessary.

In court Thursday, Texas state officials presented records they said show 10 women were either married or pregnant as minors. The list was found during the raid, locked in a safe at a main ranch office building, the officials said."

Yeah, well, the judge found sufficient reason to keep all the kids in state custody AND to order DNA tests for all 416 of them and you can bet your ass it wasn't because of a record about 10 women.

What the hell kind of idiots are at CNN these days??

On the subject of child abuse...again

2008-03-29T15:11:25Z

Yesterday afternoon, Chris and I took a trip out to storage. By bus, it took a full hour. When we were done at storage, I realized that it was 12:30 and we had just missed the bus back. The next one wasn't due for 30 minutes. So, I decided to "treat" us to lunch at Village Inn. Which also happened to be the ONLY restaurant anywhere near. After lunch, Chris asked if he could have a balloon. Since he had said that he needed to go to the bathroom a few moments before that, I said "Not right now." Chris ignored me, asked a waitress for one and then walked up to a balloon that was taped to a railing and took it. I took it away from him. He threw his body on the ground and started throwing a tantrum. I hauled him outside and we sat down on the sidewalk so I could restrain him until he was done. As we were sitting there, my legs wrapped around his lower body and my hands holding both of his arms crossed over his chest, an off-duty police officer came up to us and asked if everything was okay. I explained that Chris was bi-polar and was just simply throwing a tantrum. He told me that a woman inside the Village Inn had reported that I had hit my son in the face with my closed fist. I rolled my eyes, gave a rather bitter little laugh and said "I did absolutely nothing of the sort. Would you like to see his face?" The officer came over and looked at Chris. Apparently, he also looked at how both of us were dressed, because he started telling Chris that he needed to behave for his Mom because it was obvious that I cared a lot for him. The officer said, "See, you have really nice shoes and a very good coat. Your Mommy loves you." So, I guess the fact that Chris has new shoes while mine have holes in them, Chris has pants without holes in them and my jeans are held together by threads (literally), Chris has a new winter coat and mine is five years old kept me from being hauled before Social Services, huh?

And then there was this morning. Chris's therapist told me that if I want Chris to stop whining and fussing, that I need to just walk away from him and ignore him until he stops the tantrum. So, at 7am today, I told Chris that I was not going to talk to him until he calmed down and stopped whining. I locked myself in my bedroom. For the next twenty-five minutes, he continued to whine at my door. I buried my nose in a book and repeated Adam's advice over and over to myself. Adam is Chris's therapist and he told me about an experiment that was done with rats. The rats were taught that if they pushed a button, they would get food. After keeping this up for awhile, the food was taken away. The rats went through a frenzy of pushing the button over and over again and then stopped and never pushed the button again. Adam's theory was that Chris would fuss and whine for awhile but, when he got no reaction from me, he would eventually stop the behavior and not do it again.

HA!!!!

and again....HA!!!!

Guess what my child did instead??? The little twerp called 911!!! I talked to the operator on the phone and told him what was going on and that everything was fine. Twenty minutes later, though, I had two officers at my door.

I did not get mad at Chris for calling 911. I did not punish him for it. I rolled my eyes and said "Unbelievable" when I hung up the phone and that was it. I don't want to inhibit him from calling 911 if he should ever actually need it.

I'm beginning to feel trapped by my son's poor behavior. It seems to me that every time I try to deal with it, I get accused of child abuse. I'm even beginning to wonder if other people are seeing something that I'm missing. Is it child abuse to wrap your arms and legs around your child and let him scream and fuss until he gets tired of it? Is there a better way of dealing with it? I've tried just simply walking away from him and he will run after me and hit and kick me. I've gotten too many bruises from that. Also, I'm scared to walk away from him in public because he has also just simply stood there and refused to follow me and he's also turned and gone in the opposite direction.

What on earth am I going to do with him???

Sea

A good giggle

2008-03-20T02:51:36Z

This was written by someone in a forum that I participate in. It was too good not to share. It's original and unedited.

When i woke up this morning, the sun was shining my room was bright.
The world shone bright with the promise of spring!
YAY! said i! and YAY! again!
I shall do laundry!
Nice laundry and have clean clothes!
(im such a wild child)

Eagerly i gatherd up my grungy dirty clothes into a giant heap.
The Mount Rushmore of slob soon appeared in my clothes basket
and crouched like a torpid toad upon my bedroom floor looking ever so slighly ashamed of its smelly self.
(lordy i need to do laundry more often!)

i happily sashayed down to the laundry room
basket in tow while my cats looked on in bafflement
and my dog nodded in a most resigned manner.
the look on his face clearly said
"This isnt going to end well"
(I should have listened to the dog)

Flinging open the washer i dumped my clothes in
darks! whites! reds! blues!
it didnt matter! all were thrown together in a happy heap of scrunge!
Thunk
Thunk? thought I
Thunk?
Eh must just be the clothes! I beamed and shrugged.
( The dog covered his eyes with his paws, this isng going to end well he sighed)

two hours later............

i remembered the clothes laying in a soggy heap in the bottom of my washing machine
i gallumped down to the laundry room and quickly
transfered the clothes to the dryer and peeked into the washer to see if i missed anything.

my celphone
celphone?

OH NO
oh no
oh no

i plucked it out of the staineless steel abyss
and it lay in the palm of my hand and sniffled sadly
water dripped from its screan
bubbles oozed from its keypad
i turned it on and it shuddered slighlty and
buzzed forlonly while mumbling curses at me!

my celphone i moaned
say it isnt so!!!!!!!!!
its so! my celphone buzzed at me
you warshed me!
celphone murderer!

i ran upstairs and got the hair dryer
hair dryer i squealed happily
to dry out my celphone!
wont work sighed the phone
im quite dead

i hung my head in defeat
placed my hand over my heart
and my brother played taps
on the nose trombone

let my sad tale be a lesson to ye all
celphones do not like washing machines
nods
woe is mah celphone!

Another Catch-up

2008-03-15T15:51:01Z

The latest antics of my son....

Chris has a friend at school. Her name is Sierra and, apparently, Chris is unable to say "no" to this little girl. So far, he's given her his favorite dinosaur toy, a magic box trick that I gave him, a Bugs Bunny toy that his brother gave him, his hat, his snack money and his remote-controlled truck. The topper, however, happened a couple of weeks ago. We sat down to eat supper. Chris ate only a few bites and then told me that his tummy was full. Without expecting an actual response, I said, "Really? What have you been eating that your tummy is full?" and the little munchkin says....

"Goose poop. Because Sierra told me to."

I kid you not. He really did it. Two pieces, in fact. I called the Poison Control Center and they told me to keep an eye on him for the next 8 days for signs of E. Coli. I also talked with the principal the following Monday, asking her to keep the two of them separated as much as possible. On the positive side of that little fiasco...at least Chris got his remote-controlled truck back. Minus the batteries.

No title fits this

2008-02-07T19:19:10Z

This morning, something happened at the bus stop and I let it affect me more than it warranted. I got really upset and began doubting myself badly. So, as soon as I got home, I did the thing that I have always done when my strength is running low. I called my cousin. He is my strength, my rock, my soulmate, in the non-romantic sense.

When he answered the phone, I could tell that something was wrong, but he didn't want to talk about it. He knew something was wrong with me and he wanted to deal with that first. So I went ahead and spilled my guts about the thing that happened this morning and my cousin was able to help me. He soothed my fears, bolstered my courage and got me back on my metaphorical feet again, just like he always does. In retrospect, now that I know the truth, the fact that my cousin WAS able to help me is the most amazing and astounding thing. I am stunned and humbled by my cousin's selflessness, by his ability and willingness to put his problems aside and help me with, in retrospect, my insignificant troubles. I wish I could be more like him.

After I talked about my tiny little problem and my cousin helped me, I asked him again if anything was wrong, because he had sounded awful when he answered the phone. And he told me that his stepfather died last night. My aunt, Raechal, came home from work and found him.

Poor Aunt Raechal. First she loses a sister, Aunt Judy, and then, just weeks later, her husband dies.

Rest in peace, Jack.

Sea

I have a silly child

2008-02-03T05:59:15Z

At about six this evening, I saw Chris poking a little plastic spear into his right ear. I took it away from him and told him that he is never to put stuff in his ears. Moments later, he starts jerking his head to the right, like he's trying to wipe something onto his shoulder. I asked him why he was doing that and he informed me that he had stuck an eraser in his ear. I pulled him over to the light and looked in his ear and, sure enough, rather deep down in the canal was an eraser. I took him to the hospital to get an ER doc to remove it. When I asked Chris why he'd stuck an eraser in his ear, his answer was "I didn't want it (the eraser) anymore."

This morning, I took Chris to the McDonald's down the street from us, so that he could play in the Playplace. While we were there, we met a young family, parents in their mid to late 20's and three children, aged 6, 5 and three months. Chris had a lot of fun playing with the two older kids. Eight or nine hours later, in the emergency room, we met up with the very same family. Talk about a small world!

Next week, Chris and I are finally getting furniture! Real beds, a couch, an actual table and chairs and even a dresser! Chris had to ask me what a dresser was. Chris and I are actually going to be able to sit down at a table and eat meals like civilized people. I'm even getting enough chairs that Cathy and Danny can join us...whenever they visit.

Okay, it's late, I'm going to bed.

Sea

Grrr!!

2008-01-27T08:01:04Z

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2008-01-25T153716Z_01_EIC556225_RTRUKOC_0_US-SPAIN-DRIVER1.xml

Burn in Hell, Tomas Delgado

Customer Service

2008-01-25T13:24:51Z

I have phone and internet service through Qwest. I recieved my first bill from them and it was due the 19th. On the 22nd, I got another letter from them, informing me that I was past due on my bill and they were going to disconnect me on the 24th. That seemed a little extreme, but I called to make a payment arrangement. Then I asked why I was being disconnected only four days after the bill was due. The "customer service" agent informed me, in perfect seriousness, that the bill was actually due the 10th, it just didn't print until the 19th.

.....

Huh??

I've been sick the past few days, so I hadn't been able to get to the store to refill my son's prescription. He took the last pill yesterday morning, so I had to go out yesterday afternoon. I watched the pharmacist as he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, blew his nose, stuffed the hanky back in his pocket, ran his ungloved hands over his face and hair...and went back to work on my son's prescription. I stood there blinking a few times and then slowly turned away. I really hoped he never directly touched the pills.

And then I failed my own son in customer service. I was fixing his lunch on Monday and asked him if he wanted a peanut butter and honey sandwich or a peanut butter and butter? He asked for peanut butter and butter. So, I started spreading the butter on the bread. Apparently, I should have put the peanut butter on first, because my son said to me, "Mommy! I asked for a peanut butter and butter sandwich, not a butter and peanut butter sandwich!" and then he heaved a great sigh of regret and said "Oh well. You might as well finish."

Isn't he adorable?

Sea

PS. Aunt Judy died January 16, 2008. Rest in peace, Aunt Judy. I do miss you.

Death

2008-01-16T07:24:41Z

My aunt is dying.

Aunt Judy was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago. After two complete masectomies, the cancer still spread. Back in October, my parents told me that Aunt Judy had been told that her cancer was no longer treatable and that she had less then 14 months left to live. Last month, Aunt Judy and her husband left their home in Arkansas to go up to Madison, Wisconsin to be with my cousins for Christmas. The day after Christmas, Aunt Judy was hospitalized. The cancer was worse than the doctors had thought and Aunt Judy's life expectancy was cut down to six months.

It is now down to mere hours.

My mom and dad and my aunt, Raechel, are all staying at my uncle David's house in Madison. Aunt Judy's three daughters are there, too. They have been keeping a bedside vigil since Saturday.

I wish I could be there, to say goodbye. I wish a miracle would happen and Aunt Judy would be cured and she wouldn't have to leave behind her daughters and her grandchildren and her husband. I am thankful that her family is able to be there with her. This is very hard on my mother, as I'm sure that it's hard on everyone else there. I still wish I could be there.

Sea

Walking down Memory Lane

2008-01-03T00:12:17Z

Tomorrow is Chris's birthday. I'm already doing the "Eight years ago today, I was...."

Eight years ago today, was a Sunday. I had just recently moved into a new apartment out in Lakewood. That afternoon, I explored my neighborhood, a little bit. I walked down to the Albertson's shopping center and found a little Chinese restaurant and decided to have lunch there. Maybe that's why Chris likes Chinese food? It was the last in-vitro meal he got from me?

I can't remember the weather that afternoon, but I do remember that we got hit with a snowstorm that night. My water broke at about 4am on Monday and there was eight inches of new snow on the ground by then. I had to wake up my downstairs neighbor, so that I could use their phone to call an ambulance for myself. Nice introduction, huh? I'm ringing their doorbell at quarter to five in the morning and they sounded scared when they asked me, through the door, who I was.

The ambulance driver wanted to know why I waited so long before calling an ambulance. If my water broke at 4am, why did I call 45 minutes later? What was I doing in the meantime? And, very frankly, I said, "Panicking." And I was, too! I was running around my apartment, like the proverbial chicken without a head, asking myself "What do I do now? What do I do now?" After awhile, I finally stopped and asked myself just what was I accomplishing? Did I expect Spiderman to swing through my window and take care of things for me? Was ANYONE going to swing through my window and help me? No. So it was up to me and panic was not the way to deal with it. I was fine after that.

Chris was born at 11:12 am, Monday morning. As soon as they took him out of my tummy, before they cleaned him up and wrapped him up, they brought him around the screen so I could see him. (I had a screen because he was born by C-section) I still remember the deep, strong wave of love I felt for my son, the first moment I saw him. My first words, when I saw him, were "Oh...yes!"

So...his birthday is tomorrow and he's asked for a trip to the zoo. Thankfully, the first child support payment of this year will be hitting my bank account tomorrow, so I can actually give him that trip. And it's even supposed to be semi-warm tomorrow. Should be a great day!

Sea

Little rant

2007-12-29T01:28:35Z

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2007-12-27T160547Z_01_N27403569_RTRUKOC_0_US-PRISON.xml

Gee...my heart just goes out to them. NOT!!! Fer cryin' out loud, do they wanna stay at the Hilton? Then don't commit a crime!!

Sorry about the ads on my blog. I'll try to get that taken care of next month.

Sea

Life with my bipolar child

2007-12-02T21:05:38Z

I've had a hellish weekend and, in the hopes that venting will make me feel better, I've decided to give a detailed description of what life with Chris is like. From now on, anytime anyone tries to tell me that Chris isn't bipolar or that I've got it easy, I will direct them to this blog entry.

Let's start with nighttime. If I want to have a blessed night of uninterrupted sleep, I could let Chris sleep in my room with me. However, I don't want my child to be that dependent on me. I want him to be able to stand on his own. So, I make him sleep in his own room. Each night, after I put him to bed, I sit in his doorway for 30 minutes or so until he's fallen asleep. He sleeps with the hallway light on, so I have to have my bedroom door shut, or I'll never get any sleep at all. The problem with that is Chris's separation anxiety. He will wake up three to five times a night and have to come into my room to make sure I'm still there. I've taught him to always knock on my door before he opens it, too, so there's not a chance of me sleeping through him coming into my room. Add to that the fact that, once he's awake for the day, there's absolutely NO chance that he'll let me sleep any later, either. Six am, no matter how little sleep I got during the night, that's it. I'm out of luck for the day.

Let's move on to the bathroom. I mentioned that Chris has separation anxiety. This extends to me being out of his sight long enough to use the bathroom. Every single time I step into the bathroom...and I do mean every...single...time...Chris pleads with me to not take too long. I cannot get him to stop. And while I'm in the bathroom, every few seconds, he has to ask me if I'm almost done. If I don't answer quickly enough, he will get panicked and try to open the door. This is something that we are working on and he is making progress. Sometimes, I actually can go pee in peace. However, forget any possibility of me getting a shower while he's home. I'm pretty stinky by Monday morning.

Another thing about the bathroom. Chris will not shut the door when he is going to the bathroom. And he has some kind of fear of bowel movements. He will hold it back just as long as he possibly can, ruining many pairs of underpants and probably doing damage to his body as well. When he does finally go, he has to have a six foot long Scooby Doo and a two foot tall stuffed dog named Sammy sitting in the bathroom doorway to protect him. I've tried absolutely EVERYTHING to get him to have regular bowel movements. I'm totally out of ideas.

Let's move on to when he's waiting for some kind of event. For example, today I signed him up for a literacy program that is held at this particular library that we are at. Trained therapy dogs come in and Chris sits down with them and reads to the dogs. The program is called Paws to Read and Chris thoroughly loves it. He's been looking forward to it all morning long. ALL morning long. The library did not even open until 1pm. We got up before 6am today. As soon as breakfast was done, Chris asked me if we could leave for the library now. I tried telling him that it wasn't open, yet. That tactic got us through the next hour. After that, about 7:30 or so, Chris panicked and started insisting that the library was open now and we had to go right now, or he would miss reading to the dogs. So, I had him look at the clock and I told him that when the clock said 12:33, that's when we would leave. Well, that stopped the panicking, at least. I got an update on the time every few minutes and not one darn thing would distract him. Five hours of that. And I'm not insane. At least...I don't think I am.

And then we have his tantrums. Friday night, Chris and I were riding the bus home. He didn't want to sit next to me, so he got his own seat. And then he got up and moved to other seats while the bus was moving. The second time he did that, I made him sit next to me and refused to let him up again. He so did not like that. He fought me, throwing his body against me and trying very hard to get away. This lasted for 45 minutes, all the way through the one bus ride and the 20 minute wait for the next one. Relatively speaking, it was a mild tantrum. He didn't try to hit me, or kick me, or bite me, or pull my hair. He didn't even scream. He just kept throwing his body backwards against me so I hit my head on the metal post behind me a couple of times. That's all. But it took 45 minutes of constant fighting to get him to calm down. And I cannot react angrily to him. I cannot talk forcefully to him, to tell him to stop, because he feeds off that and it escalates his behavior. If I stay perfectly calm, he will eventually calm down.

And then there's the times that he will not take "no" for an answer.

"Mommy, can I have some candy?"
"No, babe, it's too early in the day/it's too soon before supper/I can't afford it" (pick an answer)
"Mommy, please?"
"Babe, you heard my answer."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"Chris, I said no."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"End of discussion, Chris"
"Please? Please? Please?"
"I said no, and I mean it. Do not ask me again."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"Do not ask me again."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"I'm not having this discussion with you."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"Enough."
"Please? Please? Please?"
Silence
"MOMMY!! MOMMY! MOMMY! PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!!!"

Now, add into that, my child hanging on me, putting his face directly into my face, or pulling my head around to face him, tugging on my arm, yanking my hand back and forth, all throughout the entire "conversation". When I resort to silence, he gets hysterical. Again, getting angry is worse than useless.

Chris is a wonderful child. No mother could ask for a more loving son. He is a sweetheart. Many people have told me that he is a perfect gentleman, he has such excellent manners. He, literally and honestly, makes my life worth living. He is not at all easy to live with, though. He takes a hell of a lot of patience. Funny thing is, I used to say that patience is not one my virtues.

Homeless no more!

2007-10-29T17:06:15Z

Chris and I moved into our new apartment Thursday morning. We are both overjoyed to have a home again. Hopefully, sometime in the next two weeks, I'll be online at home again.

Chris's therapist recommended that I read "The Bipolar Child" by Demitri and Janice Papolos. I finally got the book from the library yesterday afternoon. Last night, I woke up at 1am and couldn't get back to sleep. (That's what sleeping on the floor will do for you) So, I went to my kitchen and started reading the book. Two hours later, I had to grab some paper and do some fast scribbling to capture my thoughts. I'm going to post it here, without editing.

"I've been crying off and on for the past hour. I've "known" that my son is bipolar but I never truly accepted the belief of it until now. Until now, and unknown to me, I've believed that Chris's problems *were* actually a result of bad parenting. It was my fault that he's the way he is. There was something about me, maybe me being single, maybe the unique way I look at the world, something about me that made him that way. I would MUCH rather believe there was something wrong with me than with my child.

But that belief does not help Chris. I was getting help *for* him, but *I* wasn't helping him. I was too busy punishing myself for being a bad parent.

After just the first two chapters of this book, after so many times of nodding my head and thinking "Yep, that's my boy." or my jaw dropping and thinking "My god, that's my boy!", I can finally accept that it is NOT my fault. I am NOT a bad parent.

Now I can allow myself to reach out for support and I know that, in doing so, I will become a better parent for my son."

Chris had an appointment with Adam, his therapist, this morning and I read that to him. I think he's known all along what I was doing. I'm so glad I found a good therapist for my son.

Sea

Child Abuse

2007-10-15T18:13:16Z

Last Thursday, Chris had an extremely bad morning. He woke up in a fighting mood and it went steadily downhill from there. As soon as we stepped out the door of the shelter that morning, he took off running, around the corner and down the street. My right knee was giving me fits and I couldn't run after him. Actually, my knees are so bad now that I can't run at all. That morning, though, I was limping badly. I couldn't catch him and he refused to come back. He was out of my sight for minutes at a time and I was so scared. He kept that up all the way to Broadway, about four blocks away. Broadway is a busy street, even at 7:30 in the morning. When I finally made it down to Broadway, he was about six buildings away from me. I was so scared for his safety, that I just stopped moving. I turned away from him, like I no longer cared if he came back to me or not. That finally worked. He came right up to me and I managed to grab his wrist. I wasn't about to let him run away again. However, that action made the fight really begin.

He fought me all the way across the street, through the large grocery store parking lot and to the bus stop. Because of the fighting, we missed the 7:30 bus and had to sit and wait for the 8:00 bus. Non-stop fighting the entire time. Now, when I say "fighting", I mean that Chris was kicking me, hitting me, trying to bite me and screaming. I was trying to restrain him to keep him from hurting me and talking to him calmly to get him to calm down.

The 8:00 bus finally showed. I fought Chris onto the bus and into the seat. He continued the temper tantrum on the bus. For the next 20 minutes or so, as a matter of fact. I completely tuned out anything going on on the bus, concentrating only on Chris. He FINALLY calmed down. I had him put his shoes back on and we sat there. Gradually, it dawned on me that the bus wasn't moving and hadn't been for awhile. It was dead quiet on the bus, too. And I just knew what had happened. A minute or so later, another passenger said, loudly enough for the whole bus to hear, "I have been watching her the entire time. She is simply restraining him to keep him from hurting himself or her. She never once hit him. She never even so much as spoke angrily to him. She is NOT abusing her son and you had no business calling the police." No response. I said, loudly as well, "My son is bi-polar. When he gets like this, the ONLY thing I can do is restrain him." The busybody who called the police looked over in my direction (she never once actually looked AT me) and said, in a snotty voice, "Well, I didn't know that." and I shot right back with, "Well, maybe ya shoulda asked!"

Sure enough, a few moments later, a police officer pulled into the parking lot next to us and busybody got off to talk to them. I took Chris's hand and we followed. When we got near the officer, I waved my hand and said, "Hi. We're the ones she called about." The officer looked at me, looked at Chris and I actually saw his eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Chris was standing calmly next to me, holding my hand and probably smiling at the thought of being close to a real cop. Not exactly the picture of an abused child, you know?

The end result is that the officers (two more showed up a minute after we got off the bus) took my name and phone number and said "See ya. Have a nice day." They knew I wasn't abusing Chris.

That incident, besides almost completely draining my mental reserves and emotional strength, (thank you again, my cousin, for talking to me that day) made me really think about child abuse. I think that, if a social worker or a busybody really wants to see abuse, they should stay at a homeless shelter for a little bit.

Like the woman who wakes up in such a foul mood every morning that she feels completely justified in yelling at her children, cursing them and calling them f'ing stupid. And, when she goes so far as to make the poor kids cry, she gets even angrier with them.

Or the woman who will sit in the dining room, singing to and playing with another woman's daughter and, when she gets up, she knocks over her own daughter...and continues walking away without a word to her child. As if she didn't even notice what she had done.

This is the same mother who, one night last week, wasn't in her room around 1am when her daughter woke up. Her daughter is only 3 years old. She woke up and Mommy wasn't in the room. The poor girl was terrified. She started shrieking for her mother, crying hysterically. She managed to get out of the room and stood at the head of the stairs, screaming with pure terror. Her mother came up the stairs. And how did this paragon of motherhood comfort her terrified daughter? Did she pick her up and gently cradle her, soothing her fears? Nope. All that poor girl got was a snarled "Shut up!"

And how about the mother who puts her four year old son in their room, telling him simply to stay in the room and go to sleep. We aren't talking that she puts him in the bed and tells him to go to sleep. She opens the door, pushes him inside and closes the door. And then goes back downstairs to watch TV. Naturally, this four year old opens the door and starts wandering the floor. At one point, he slid his fingers under our door. He was just looking for company, I think. It wasn't safe for him to wander around, unsupervised, so I made the mistake of going downstairs to tell his mother what he was doing. I say it's a mistake, because I had thought, until then, that she was one of the good ones. She stomped upstairs, grabbed her son's arm and took him back to the room. As soon as the door was shut, I heard her slap his face and call him a f'ing psycho.

I hate being in that shelter. I want out so bad.

Quick Update

2007-09-30T22:31:07Z

Yes, I'm still alive. I just happen to be homeless right now, that's all. Not much to talk about. Chris is still at the same school. No matter what happens, I'm determined to keep him in that school, keep things just as stable as possible. For the most part, he's doing okay. Not too many behavior problems.

We are getting an apartment through the Colorado Coalition for the Homeless and should, hopefully, be moving in sometime next month. I hope so, because this life sucks.

Chris and I are at the homeless shelter called House of Hope. It's for single mothers only and some of the mothers, and the way they treat their children, make me want to smack them upside the head a few times. One woman has two young children, a girl who is about two years old and a boy who is six. I rarely hear her talking to her children in anything other than an extremely pissed off tone of voice. Another woman has two boys and a girl, the girl being the eldest. The woman is constantly yelling at the girl and calling her stupid. I understand completely that being homeless is a stressful situation, but I cannot see that that justifies taking it out on your kids. Everytime I make Chris laugh, it hits me that a child's laughter is very rarely heard in that place.

The library is going to be closing soon and Chris and I need to head back for supper. If anyone is still reading this, I'll try to post again before too much longer.

Sea

Life in general

2007-07-23T22:19:36Z

Okay, where do I begin? Well, I finally got a job. I started last Thursday. I'm working for Family Support Registry, the people who process the child support payments for the state of Colorado. I'm, of course, doing data entry and it's boring as hell.

The day before I started this job, my cable service was cut off. I no longer have phone, internet or tv. I've also been working on getting a work at home job, an actual legitimate 40 hour a week job, with a set hourly wage and set hours, Monday through Friday. I want this job very badly. I have already passed almost all the steps towards getting this job. There's just one more to go and it's set for this Thursday. The only problem is, I need internet and phone in order to do the job. I have no money to pay the bill. Not only that, but the child support has stopped. I won't get my first paycheck from this job until August 3rd.

I asked my son, Danny, if I could borrow his cell phone. He lives in a rural area, where there is no service. He says that he doesn't text anyone and that he's only called anyone maybe twice. He said that it wouldn't be a problem. However...his cell phone service is paid for by my ex's parents and they hate me. Today, I told Danny's grandmother that I would be more than willing to pay her back for the time that I use the phone. Actually, I had Danny tell her, since I don't like talking to her. Danny told me that she said that not only will she not allow me to pay her back, she would never accept it even if I tried. And then she told Danny that he's not allowed to loan me his phone. She said that he absolutely has to take it back home with him tomorrow.

I got more fun "news" last Friday, too. Danny had been in a computer club at his school. The club was disbanded and the teacher gave all the computers to the club members. Danny got two monitors and he wanted to give me one. Last Friday, when Danny came to town, he had to spend the day with his grandparents because I was at work. He told me that night that his Dad refused to let him bring the monitor with him, because his grandparents had to drop him off at my place that night and Robert didn't want to "involve your grandparents in giving your mother charity." "Giving your mother charity." How nice. How very, very nice of him. How incredibly special of him to say that to my son. What the hell kind of man thinks that a son wanting to give his mother something is giving her charity?? What the hell kind of man thinks that a 14 year old boy would see giving his mother something as giving her charity???

What did I do to deserve this? What on earth did I do to that man to deserve this kind of treatment from him?

Four more years of dealing with him and then I never have to talk to him again.

Sea

Horse pucky!!!!

2007-06-17T16:11:08Z

http://www.tsa.gov/approach/mythbusters/index.shtm

The above is a video of an airport security camera. This http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070617/ap_on_re_us/airport_sippy_cup is the article about the video. The woman claims that she accidentally spilled the water in the sippy cup because she was "nervous and traveling alone with a toddler". Okay, the article also says that she's a former Secret Service officer. She must not have been very good at the Secret Service job if traveling alone with a toddler makes her nervous. If you watch the video, you can see that her arm moves up and down twice, quite obviously dumping the water on the floor. Yes, I'd say that's "endangering the other passengers". Slippery when wet. The TSA may not be very popular these days, but the woman was rude and arrogant. You can tell that even without sound.

Just my opinion.

Sea

Just had to post

2007-06-14T03:40:32Z

While my parents were in town for my son's graduation, they took each of my kids for a few days. All four got a few days alone with Nana and Papa. They took Chris last Thursday and brought him back Saturday afternoon. It was the first time in two years that I'd had an overnight to myself and I was really looking forward to it. Forty-eight hours, completely kid-free. Wow!! Friday morning, when I woke up, my first coherent thought was "Okay, that's enough. I want him back now." Chris called me later on that day and I told my father about my first thought that morning. Dad's response was "Well, let me tell you. When he walked into our bedroom at 6am and chirped in that bright and cheerful voice of his "Good morning!!"...you could have had him!!" Welcome to my world, Dad! Chris does that to me every single day and usually at 6am. You would think that would have broken me of the habit of staying up late.

I got some amazing news the other day. Chris was enrolled in the daycare program that his school offers for the summer. I couldn't possibly afford it, but his therapist told me that Chris needs to have a schedule that he can depend on. And I know that he needs the socialization with other kids and the help that the adults from the program give him in teaching him how to behave around other kids. They keep a very good eye on him. He needs the program so, even though I can't afford it, I enrolled him in it. And then my poor boy got sick and missed the first two weeks of the program. He had pneumonia. He's almost completely better now. Last week, while he was still home with me, I got a phone call from the director of the daycare program. Out of the blue, no warning, she tells me that they have decided to "scholarship" Chris for the entire summer. They aren't going to charge me a dime! This is a great program. Not only will Chris have an adult near him at all times, focused ONLY on him, but he'll still be able to play with other kids and they go on field trips every single day! Knowing that I won't have to pull him out because of lack of funds has been a huge weight off. Some time later this month, the munchkin even gets to go to the Broncos training camp.

Not much else to write about. Still looking for a job. Still not having much luck.

Sea