Sand Between My Toes

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May. 29th, 2009

11:10 pm - Life is...

I have been needing the comfort of a human touch much more then usual, lately. Most of the time, 99%, I can bury that need so deeply, I'm not even aware of it. That's just not working, anymore. It's a constant ache. I was given a man's t-shirt 14 years ago. Lately, I've been cuddling it to my chest when I go to sleep at night. It helps, a bit. That t-shirt has been soaking up some tears, too.

I signed up for E-Harmony about a month ago. I thought it was time I made an effort to find someone, a man I can be friends with and, hopefully, find romance, too. A few days later, though, I did a breast self-exam and found what every woman dreads finding. E-Harmony lost all importance, just like that.

I've managed to survive for years without anyone to lean on. I've taken care of a bipolar son for years without anyone to help me. I WILL make it through this on my own, too, because I don't have any choice in the matter, but why is this so much more difficult then anything else has been? Why does this make me ache for a human touch like nothing else ever has? I will not get that human touch and I'm going to have to learn to be even stronger then I already am. When am I going to reach the point that my defenses, my need to be strong, will be so solid that nothing will EVER breach them?

I don't want to be alone, anymore. But I will be alone, until it's too late. Until I no longer feel my aloneness.

Life sucks.

Sea

Current Mood: lonely

Current Music: Tell Her About It-Billy Joel (how ironic)

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Feb. 5th, 2009

10:12 pm - Venting

I am very angry right now. I am so angry, that I'm focused too much on the anger, instead of seeing what I should be seeing. I need to get rid of this anger, so I can deal with something much more important.

My eldest child was arrested Sunday night. He's being charged with rape. His girlfriend is accusing him. My son is not capable of forcing himself on someone. He is not cruel. He is not violent. He did not do this. The sky is blue, the grass is green, my son did not do this.

I had a conversation with my ex-husband on Tuesday. The man who fathered my son. I told him that he couldn't possibly believe that our child was capable of this. His response was "I would LIKE to believe that he isn't...but I won't indulge in wishful thinking."

My god, how the hell did I ever marry such a cold bastard?

Today, they finally got my son out on bail. I couldn't do it because I had $32 in my account this morning. I still haven't seen him and he hasn't called. I had to leave the courthouse before they'd processed my son out, because I had to be back home to get my youngest off the school bus. Before I left, though, I made the idiot mistake of letting my ex and his father get to me. I stupidly lost my temper.

While waiting for the bail to be processed, my ex, his second wife and I all sat in the cafeteria, "talking". Every single time I asked a question of my ex, no matter what question it was, how it was phrased, what tone of voice...whatever (and I made absolutely certain that nothing about me was confrontational) EVERY single time, my ex would wait a bit before answering. He sat there and just stared at me. I couldn't figure out if he was slowly counting to 10....waiting for me to retract the question because how dare I pretend I actually matter....or blinking in amazement that the furniture was actually speaking. More then once, I was tempted to say "Okay, you win. I blinked. Now answer the question."

When his father was rude to me, though, that's when I lost it. I turned to Lisa, my ex's second wife, and said "I've had it. I'm done." and I walked out. I childishly slammed a glass door open on my way out.

Now I'm really mad at myself for letting them get to me. I had every right to be there and I shouldn't have let them drive me off. They made it extremely obvious, today, that they didn't think I belonged there. Now they will make sure that I continue to stay out.

Now that I have vented that anger, I can focus on my son. I've called and left a message. I will call again tomorrow. Eventually, they have to let me talk to him.

Sea

Current Mood: worried

Current Music: "Chicken Fried" Zac Brown

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Oct. 30th, 2008

11:17 am - More Political Commercials Ranting

Just a few more days of these commercials and they'll finally be over. In the meantime, though, I'm getting confused about the Colorado Amendments and what the commercials say about them.

Take Amendment 49-Allowable Government Paycheck Deductions. The wording of the amendment says that it PROHIBTS deductions being made on government paychecks, except for the deductions that every other worker has, like federal tax, social security, medical insurance and garnishments for liens and child support. It even allows for charitable deductions. The amendment simply stops any other deductions from being made. It applies to ALL public employees in the state of Colorado. The political commercial against it makes it out to be something evil aimed at hurting the firefighters in the state, by taking out bits and pieces of their paycheck, effectively making it that they have no say over what happens to their pay. Do I take that commercial to mean that firefighters are currently exempt from such deductions? Do they not have to pay federal tax, social security...or child support? I'm absolutely confused.

And then there's Amendment 51-State Sales Tax Increase for Services for People with Developmental Disabilities. The political commercial in favor of this amendment states that it will effectively add only two pennies to a ten dollar lunch and the benefit will be to get twelve thousand developmentally disabled people off the waiting list and into state services. Sounds good, right? Did you know that part of the wording of that amendment states that ALL retailers will be responsible for paying a three percent sales tax on ALL sales made PRIOR to January 1, 2001. Yes, you read that right. It wasn't a typo. All sales made *before* January, 2001. And between 2001 and 2009, the sales tax is *slightly* smaller....2.90%. The amendment talks about additional taxes on any vehicles sold in the last eight years. It mentions something about taxing on storage, but you could get a refund if those taxes were spent on biotechnology research during that fiscal year. HUH??? What is anything talking about biotechnology doing in an amendment to get developmentally disabled people off the waiting list??

Amendment 47-Political commercials are strongly against it. What's wrong with saying that employers are prohibited from *requiring* an employee to be in a union??

Amendment 54-Political commercials say that it will "silence the voice of the workers". The amendment says that if you have a government contract to provide services, you cannot then make a political "donation" totaling $100,000 or more. Silencing the voice of the workers...by making it that they can't bribe the government to continue giving them a sole provider contract??

Amendment 46-Political commercials say that it "slams the door on opportunity". Looks to me like it makes education and employment equal opportunity for everyone, instead of having to fill a quota or something like that. My elder children have something like 1/16th Native American ancestry. Because of that, if they chose to take advantage of it, they could get a full college education, I'm told. Do they have a right to it, simply because a great-great-great grandparent was Native American? Should they be taught that what's in their blood is better then what's in their heads? That because an ancestor was born, they can rest on *that* person's heritage instead of accomplishing things on their own?

Anyway, I'm just going on the political commercials and what I've read in the state ballot information booklet. Maybe there's more going on then I know, like the firefighters objection to 49. Maybe they have a really good reason that I don't know about. It's just really annoying to me that amendments pass or fail based ONLY on the strength of the political commercials.

Sea

Current Mood: cranky

Current Music: Lost in this Moment-Big and Rich

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Sep. 24th, 2008

03:48 pm - Political Commercials

Hey there, whatever readers I might have left. Sorry I haven't been around. I've been busy falling in love.

Anyway, I'm just here to do a little ranting and raving because the current crop of political commercials is seriously pissing me off. Let me state, right from the beginning, that I am a Libertarian, so I won't be voting for either McCain or Obama. If I was inclined to vote, though, I'd vote for McCain for the SOLE reason that Obama's commercials annoy the hell out of me.

For example, the commercial about abortion. It says, straight out, "If McCain becomes President, he WILL outlaw abortion." How many people in America actually believe this to be a true statement and will, therefore, vote for Obama out of fear? Far too many, I'll bet. The President does NOT have that much power, all by himself. This is WHY we created the Congress and the Supreme Court. A President is not able at ALL to outlaw abortion. Congress would not allow it.

Now there's a commercial about Iraq building a Ferris Wheel in Baghdad, using their billions in oil profits. The commercial continues by saying that McCain wants to continue spending 10 million a day *IN* Iraq, the implication being that Iraq is profiting from the money that McCain wants to keep spending. Okay, now...excuse me...but aren't we spending that money on a "war" with Iraq?? But Iraq is profiting from it, according to the commercial. Ummmm...huh??

Again, however, how many people in America will not stop to think about what the commercial is actually saying and just react from fear and anger? I'm afraid that far too many will. I'm not thrilled with the idea of McCain being President but I'm becoming terrified of the idea of Obama being President. If Obama is twisting his words and presenting a skewed sense of reality just in his commercials...what in hell will he do at the reins of this country?

Sea

Current Mood: annoyed

Current Music: Rascal Flatts-No Reins

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Jul. 18th, 2008

12:33 am - Late Night Giggle

I was checking out one of my favorite websites before heading to bed and I just loved this one. The "overheard by" just makes it! This is from http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/



1PM It Was Cheaper Than Buying a Playpen
Coworker and mother of a two and a five-year-old : Oh wait! I gotta go. I have to pick my kids up from the jail!

N Willamette Street
Coburg, Oregon

Overheard by: Glad her husband is a sheriff


I'll post again soon, hopefully this weekend. Need to catch up on some sleep, first.

Sea

Current Mood: sleepy

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Jun. 24th, 2008

08:54 pm - What's been happening

Life has been.....interesting.

Not long before my youngest finished second grade, he told his therapist that Sierra (the little girl that told him to eat goose poop) had been taking him into the bathroom at school and playing with his privates. The therapist told me and, later on that day, I got Chris to tell me himself. He also told me that he and Sierra would sit outside, on the playground, with his jacket over his lap and she would tell Chris to unzip his pants so she could play with him there, too.

Maybe some people would not consider that sexual abuse, since it was a girl and since they were both 8 years old, but I do. I know that it also means that Sierra herself has been abused and she was only doing what she had been taught. I am FURIOUS with the school for not supervising my child better than that and for not separating Chris and Sierra as I had asked them to do after the goose poop incident. Not only that, but after the principal had completed her investigation into my accusation, the ONLY information she gave me was that the investigation was complete. She wouldn't even tell me, officially, if anything had actually happened or not. I told her that, as a mother, I needed to know what had happened to my son so that I could help him. She said, "I understand that, but I still can't tell you anything."

So, Chris's reaction to the abuse was to get violent with other kids at school. Because he was putting other kids' safety in jeopardy, Chris was suspended the last week of school. And, because the last two weeks that he attended, Chris was violent on three separate occasions, the summer program that I had him enrolled in kicked him out for the ENTIRE summer. I didn't argue with the one week suspension. It was better for everyone that way. I'm PISSED that he was kicked out for THREE months. That's was a major over-reaction, as far as I'm concerned.

On the positive side, I got him enrolled in a "therapy day camp", through the same agency where Chris gets his weekly therapy. He started going there a couple of weeks ago and he thoroughly loves it. It's just three days a week, for a few hours a day, but he's among other kids, doing fun things and getting therapy at the same time.

You know, my son has enough problems growing up. Between being bi-polar, having no dad and a flaky mom, he has enough problems. How in the hell is he going to grow into a reasonably well-adjusted adult with all of this that he has to deal with?

Sea

Current Mood: angry

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Apr. 26th, 2008

11:06 pm - My son's progress

Remember sometime ago, I made a long-winded post about life with my bi-polar son? Well, I figured it was time for an update.

One...half the time, he now goes to the bathroom with the door shut!! Woo hoo!!

Two...there is NEVER a problem with his bowel movements now. He no longer fights going.

Three...not only does he finally sleep in his own room every night, but at least 90% of the time, he even lets me sleep the entire night through! He's no longer waking me up 3-5 times every single night. So, we're still getting up between 5:30 and 6am every day. No biggie.

Four...He hasn't thrown a major temper tantrum in about a month, now. Not since his favorite bus driver, Ivan, came back on the job.

Five...He actually takes "no" for an answer, most of the time. He wouldn't be a little boy if he accepted it without question every time, so I'm very happy with what he's doing now.

Six...and this one is a biggie....he's finally stopped sucking his thumb!!! I'd been getting increasingly worried about how to break him of that habit. I'd been told that every child who sucks his thumb also has some other "security blanket" type item, be it an actual blanket, or a teddy bear. If you take the other item away, the thumb sucking will stop. However, the only time Chris ever sucked his thumb was when he could hold onto me. How do I take *me* away from him? His brother, Danny, solved the problem. The last time Danny was here for a visit, I watched as Danny sat down with Chris and compared thumb sizes with him. Since Danny is almost 15 now, his thumb was obviously bigger. What I didn't hear until later, was that Danny told Chris that Chris's thumb was so much smaller because he sucked it all the time and getting it wet so much, made his thumb...shrink. It worked! Chris can still cuddle with me and hold my hand, but without sucking his thumb now. I am so proud of both of my boys for that one.

Other good news. A couple of weeks ago, Chris's father got a tax refund that came to me. That refund paid off over half of the back support that Jim owed. I was not expecting it. First I knew of it was when I checked my bank balance and saw $850 instead of the $40 I was expecting. I can't express the relief I felt. I paid off all my bills, including the storage bill. I finally have all my things back.

The other day, it occurred to me that I'll probably be getting Jim's economic stimulus money, too. Or part of it, anyway. It would pay off the rest of his back support. I heard that the payments are supposed to start on Monday. Now, wouldn't it be nice if the government went through Family Support Registry (and it's various counterparts) first and paid towards all parents' back support? Wouldn't that be lovely for all custodial parents?

I need to head to bed.

Sea

Current Mood: sleepy

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Apr. 18th, 2008

10:59 pm - Another news article rant-n-rave

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/18/polygamy.custody/index.html?eref=rss_latest

Okay, what the hell kind of biased article was THAT??? All throughout it...FLDS pleads innocence...think of the children...this is not good for them...experts say FLDS doesn't "commonly" do this....etc and so forth.

And at the very, very end...one tiny little paragraph...

"The state had the burden of demonstrating to Walther why removing the children was necessary.

In court Thursday, Texas state officials presented records they said show 10 women were either married or pregnant as minors. The list was found during the raid, locked in a safe at a main ranch office building, the officials said."

Yeah, well, the judge found sufficient reason to keep all the kids in state custody AND to order DNA tests for all 416 of them and you can bet your ass it wasn't because of a record about 10 women.

What the hell kind of idiots are at CNN these days??

Current Mood: angry

Current Music: None-Chris is sleeping

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Mar. 29th, 2008

08:29 am - On the subject of child abuse...again

Yesterday afternoon, Chris and I took a trip out to storage. By bus, it took a full hour. When we were done at storage, I realized that it was 12:30 and we had just missed the bus back. The next one wasn't due for 30 minutes. So, I decided to "treat" us to lunch at Village Inn. Which also happened to be the ONLY restaurant anywhere near. After lunch, Chris asked if he could have a balloon. Since he had said that he needed to go to the bathroom a few moments before that, I said "Not right now." Chris ignored me, asked a waitress for one and then walked up to a balloon that was taped to a railing and took it. I took it away from him. He threw his body on the ground and started throwing a tantrum. I hauled him outside and we sat down on the sidewalk so I could restrain him until he was done. As we were sitting there, my legs wrapped around his lower body and my hands holding both of his arms crossed over his chest, an off-duty police officer came up to us and asked if everything was okay. I explained that Chris was bi-polar and was just simply throwing a tantrum. He told me that a woman inside the Village Inn had reported that I had hit my son in the face with my closed fist. I rolled my eyes, gave a rather bitter little laugh and said "I did absolutely nothing of the sort. Would you like to see his face?" The officer came over and looked at Chris. Apparently, he also looked at how both of us were dressed, because he started telling Chris that he needed to behave for his Mom because it was obvious that I cared a lot for him. The officer said, "See, you have really nice shoes and a very good coat. Your Mommy loves you." So, I guess the fact that Chris has new shoes while mine have holes in them, Chris has pants without holes in them and my jeans are held together by threads (literally), Chris has a new winter coat and mine is five years old kept me from being hauled before Social Services, huh?

And then there was this morning. Chris's therapist told me that if I want Chris to stop whining and fussing, that I need to just walk away from him and ignore him until he stops the tantrum. So, at 7am today, I told Chris that I was not going to talk to him until he calmed down and stopped whining. I locked myself in my bedroom. For the next twenty-five minutes, he continued to whine at my door. I buried my nose in a book and repeated Adam's advice over and over to myself. Adam is Chris's therapist and he told me about an experiment that was done with rats. The rats were taught that if they pushed a button, they would get food. After keeping this up for awhile, the food was taken away. The rats went through a frenzy of pushing the button over and over again and then stopped and never pushed the button again. Adam's theory was that Chris would fuss and whine for awhile but, when he got no reaction from me, he would eventually stop the behavior and not do it again.

HA!!!!

and again....HA!!!!

Guess what my child did instead??? The little twerp called 911!!! I talked to the operator on the phone and told him what was going on and that everything was fine. Twenty minutes later, though, I had two officers at my door.

I did not get mad at Chris for calling 911. I did not punish him for it. I rolled my eyes and said "Unbelievable" when I hung up the phone and that was it. I don't want to inhibit him from calling 911 if he should ever actually need it.

I'm beginning to feel trapped by my son's poor behavior. It seems to me that every time I try to deal with it, I get accused of child abuse. I'm even beginning to wonder if other people are seeing something that I'm missing. Is it child abuse to wrap your arms and legs around your child and let him scream and fuss until he gets tired of it? Is there a better way of dealing with it? I've tried just simply walking away from him and he will run after me and hit and kick me. I've gotten too many bruises from that. Also, I'm scared to walk away from him in public because he has also just simply stood there and refused to follow me and he's also turned and gone in the opposite direction.

What on earth am I going to do with him???

Sea

Current Mood: frustrated

Current Music: Dancing in the dark-Tim McGraw

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Mar. 19th, 2008

08:50 pm - A good giggle

This was written by someone in a forum that I participate in. It was too good not to share. It's original and unedited.

When i woke up this morning, the sun was shining my room was bright.
The world shone bright with the promise of spring!
YAY! said i! and YAY! again!
I shall do laundry!
Nice laundry and have clean clothes!
(im such a wild child)

Eagerly i gatherd up my grungy dirty clothes into a giant heap.
The Mount Rushmore of slob soon appeared in my clothes basket
and crouched like a torpid toad upon my bedroom floor looking ever so slighly ashamed of its smelly self.
(lordy i need to do laundry more often!)

i happily sashayed down to the laundry room
basket in tow while my cats looked on in bafflement
and my dog nodded in a most resigned manner.
the look on his face clearly said
"This isnt going to end well"
(I should have listened to the dog)

Flinging open the washer i dumped my clothes in
darks! whites! reds! blues!
it didnt matter! all were thrown together in a happy heap of scrunge!
Thunk
Thunk? thought I
Thunk?
Eh must just be the clothes! I beamed and shrugged.
( The dog covered his eyes with his paws, this isng going to end well he sighed)

two hours later............

i remembered the clothes laying in a soggy heap in the bottom of my washing machine
i gallumped down to the laundry room and quickly
transfered the clothes to the dryer and peeked into the washer to see if i missed anything.

my celphone
celphone?

OH NO
oh no
oh no

i plucked it out of the staineless steel abyss
and it lay in the palm of my hand and sniffled sadly
water dripped from its screan
bubbles oozed from its keypad
i turned it on and it shuddered slighlty and
buzzed forlonly while mumbling curses at me!

my celphone i moaned
say it isnt so!!!!!!!!!
its so! my celphone buzzed at me
you warshed me!
celphone murderer!

i ran upstairs and got the hair dryer
hair dryer i squealed happily
to dry out my celphone!
wont work sighed the phone
im quite dead

i hung my head in defeat
placed my hand over my heart
and my brother played taps
on the nose trombone

let my sad tale be a lesson to ye all
celphones do not like washing machines
nods
woe is mah celphone!

Current Mood: giggly

Current Music: Still Feels Good-Rascal Flatts

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Mar. 15th, 2008

09:40 am - Another Catch-up

The latest antics of my son....

Chris has a friend at school. Her name is Sierra and, apparently, Chris is unable to say "no" to this little girl. So far, he's given her his favorite dinosaur toy, a magic box trick that I gave him, a Bugs Bunny toy that his brother gave him, his hat, his snack money and his remote-controlled truck. The topper, however, happened a couple of weeks ago. We sat down to eat supper. Chris ate only a few bites and then told me that his tummy was full. Without expecting an actual response, I said, "Really? What have you been eating that your tummy is full?" and the little munchkin says....

"Goose poop. Because Sierra told me to."

I kid you not. He really did it. Two pieces, in fact. I called the Poison Control Center and they told me to keep an eye on him for the next 8 days for signs of E. Coli. I also talked with the principal the following Monday, asking her to keep the two of them separated as much as possible. On the positive side of that little fiasco...at least Chris got his remote-controlled truck back. Minus the batteries.

Current Mood: irritated

Current Music: What Kind of Gone by Chris Cagle

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Feb. 7th, 2008

12:01 pm - No title fits this

This morning, something happened at the bus stop and I let it affect me more than it warranted. I got really upset and began doubting myself badly. So, as soon as I got home, I did the thing that I have always done when my strength is running low. I called my cousin. He is my strength, my rock, my soulmate, in the non-romantic sense.

When he answered the phone, I could tell that something was wrong, but he didn't want to talk about it. He knew something was wrong with me and he wanted to deal with that first. So I went ahead and spilled my guts about the thing that happened this morning and my cousin was able to help me. He soothed my fears, bolstered my courage and got me back on my metaphorical feet again, just like he always does. In retrospect, now that I know the truth, the fact that my cousin WAS able to help me is the most amazing and astounding thing. I am stunned and humbled by my cousin's selflessness, by his ability and willingness to put his problems aside and help me with, in retrospect, my insignificant troubles. I wish I could be more like him.

After I talked about my tiny little problem and my cousin helped me, I asked him again if anything was wrong, because he had sounded awful when he answered the phone. And he told me that his stepfather died last night. My aunt, Raechal, came home from work and found him.

Poor Aunt Raechal. First she loses a sister, Aunt Judy, and then, just weeks later, her husband dies.

Rest in peace, Jack.

Sea

Current Mood: melancholy

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Feb. 2nd, 2008

10:36 pm - I have a silly child

At about six this evening, I saw Chris poking a little plastic spear into his right ear. I took it away from him and told him that he is never to put stuff in his ears. Moments later, he starts jerking his head to the right, like he's trying to wipe something onto his shoulder. I asked him why he was doing that and he informed me that he had stuck an eraser in his ear. I pulled him over to the light and looked in his ear and, sure enough, rather deep down in the canal was an eraser. I took him to the hospital to get an ER doc to remove it. When I asked Chris why he'd stuck an eraser in his ear, his answer was "I didn't want it (the eraser) anymore."

This morning, I took Chris to the McDonald's down the street from us, so that he could play in the Playplace. While we were there, we met a young family, parents in their mid to late 20's and three children, aged 6, 5 and three months. Chris had a lot of fun playing with the two older kids. Eight or nine hours later, in the emergency room, we met up with the very same family. Talk about a small world!

Next week, Chris and I are finally getting furniture! Real beds, a couch, an actual table and chairs and even a dresser! Chris had to ask me what a dresser was. Chris and I are actually going to be able to sit down at a table and eat meals like civilized people. I'm even getting enough chairs that Cathy and Danny can join us...whenever they visit.

Okay, it's late, I'm going to bed.

Sea

Current Mood: pensive

Current Music: Small Town Southern Man-Alan Jackson

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Jan. 27th, 2008

Jan. 25th, 2008

Jan. 16th, 2008

12:10 am - Death

My aunt is dying.

Aunt Judy was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago. After two complete masectomies, the cancer still spread. Back in October, my parents told me that Aunt Judy had been told that her cancer was no longer treatable and that she had less then 14 months left to live. Last month, Aunt Judy and her husband left their home in Arkansas to go up to Madison, Wisconsin to be with my cousins for Christmas. The day after Christmas, Aunt Judy was hospitalized. The cancer was worse than the doctors had thought and Aunt Judy's life expectancy was cut down to six months.

It is now down to mere hours.

My mom and dad and my aunt, Raechel, are all staying at my uncle David's house in Madison. Aunt Judy's three daughters are there, too. They have been keeping a bedside vigil since Saturday.

I wish I could be there, to say goodbye. I wish a miracle would happen and Aunt Judy would be cured and she wouldn't have to leave behind her daughters and her grandchildren and her husband. I am thankful that her family is able to be there with her. This is very hard on my mother, as I'm sure that it's hard on everyone else there. I still wish I could be there.

Sea

Current Mood: sad

Current Music: Silence

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Jan. 2nd, 2008

Dec. 28th, 2007

06:26 pm - Little rant

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2007-12-27T160547Z_01_N27403569_RTRUKOC_0_US-PRISON.xml

Gee...my heart just goes out to them. NOT!!! Fer cryin' out loud, do they wanna stay at the Hilton? Then don't commit a crime!!

Sorry about the ads on my blog. I'll try to get that taken care of next month.

Sea

Current Mood: annoyed

Current Music: My wonderful KYGO!

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Dec. 2nd, 2007

01:12 pm - Life with my bipolar child

I've had a hellish weekend and, in the hopes that venting will make me feel better, I've decided to give a detailed description of what life with Chris is like. From now on, anytime anyone tries to tell me that Chris isn't bipolar or that I've got it easy, I will direct them to this blog entry.

Let's start with nighttime. If I want to have a blessed night of uninterrupted sleep, I could let Chris sleep in my room with me. However, I don't want my child to be that dependent on me. I want him to be able to stand on his own. So, I make him sleep in his own room. Each night, after I put him to bed, I sit in his doorway for 30 minutes or so until he's fallen asleep. He sleeps with the hallway light on, so I have to have my bedroom door shut, or I'll never get any sleep at all. The problem with that is Chris's separation anxiety. He will wake up three to five times a night and have to come into my room to make sure I'm still there. I've taught him to always knock on my door before he opens it, too, so there's not a chance of me sleeping through him coming into my room. Add to that the fact that, once he's awake for the day, there's absolutely NO chance that he'll let me sleep any later, either. Six am, no matter how little sleep I got during the night, that's it. I'm out of luck for the day.

Let's move on to the bathroom. I mentioned that Chris has separation anxiety. This extends to me being out of his sight long enough to use the bathroom. Every single time I step into the bathroom...and I do mean every...single...time...Chris pleads with me to not take too long. I cannot get him to stop. And while I'm in the bathroom, every few seconds, he has to ask me if I'm almost done. If I don't answer quickly enough, he will get panicked and try to open the door. This is something that we are working on and he is making progress. Sometimes, I actually can go pee in peace. However, forget any possibility of me getting a shower while he's home. I'm pretty stinky by Monday morning.

Another thing about the bathroom. Chris will not shut the door when he is going to the bathroom. And he has some kind of fear of bowel movements. He will hold it back just as long as he possibly can, ruining many pairs of underpants and probably doing damage to his body as well. When he does finally go, he has to have a six foot long Scooby Doo and a two foot tall stuffed dog named Sammy sitting in the bathroom doorway to protect him. I've tried absolutely EVERYTHING to get him to have regular bowel movements. I'm totally out of ideas.

Let's move on to when he's waiting for some kind of event. For example, today I signed him up for a literacy program that is held at this particular library that we are at. Trained therapy dogs come in and Chris sits down with them and reads to the dogs. The program is called Paws to Read and Chris thoroughly loves it. He's been looking forward to it all morning long. ALL morning long. The library did not even open until 1pm. We got up before 6am today. As soon as breakfast was done, Chris asked me if we could leave for the library now. I tried telling him that it wasn't open, yet. That tactic got us through the next hour. After that, about 7:30 or so, Chris panicked and started insisting that the library was open now and we had to go right now, or he would miss reading to the dogs. So, I had him look at the clock and I told him that when the clock said 12:33, that's when we would leave. Well, that stopped the panicking, at least. I got an update on the time every few minutes and not one darn thing would distract him. Five hours of that. And I'm not insane. At least...I don't think I am.

And then we have his tantrums. Friday night, Chris and I were riding the bus home. He didn't want to sit next to me, so he got his own seat. And then he got up and moved to other seats while the bus was moving. The second time he did that, I made him sit next to me and refused to let him up again. He so did not like that. He fought me, throwing his body against me and trying very hard to get away. This lasted for 45 minutes, all the way through the one bus ride and the 20 minute wait for the next one. Relatively speaking, it was a mild tantrum. He didn't try to hit me, or kick me, or bite me, or pull my hair. He didn't even scream. He just kept throwing his body backwards against me so I hit my head on the metal post behind me a couple of times. That's all. But it took 45 minutes of constant fighting to get him to calm down. And I cannot react angrily to him. I cannot talk forcefully to him, to tell him to stop, because he feeds off that and it escalates his behavior. If I stay perfectly calm, he will eventually calm down.

And then there's the times that he will not take "no" for an answer.

"Mommy, can I have some candy?"
"No, babe, it's too early in the day/it's too soon before supper/I can't afford it" (pick an answer)
"Mommy, please?"
"Babe, you heard my answer."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"Chris, I said no."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"End of discussion, Chris"
"Please? Please? Please?"
"I said no, and I mean it. Do not ask me again."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"Do not ask me again."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"I'm not having this discussion with you."
"Please? Please? Please?"
"Enough."
"Please? Please? Please?"
Silence
"MOMMY!! MOMMY! MOMMY! PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!!!"

Now, add into that, my child hanging on me, putting his face directly into my face, or pulling my head around to face him, tugging on my arm, yanking my hand back and forth, all throughout the entire "conversation". When I resort to silence, he gets hysterical. Again, getting angry is worse than useless.

Chris is a wonderful child. No mother could ask for a more loving son. He is a sweetheart. Many people have told me that he is a perfect gentleman, he has such excellent manners. He, literally and honestly, makes my life worth living. He is not at all easy to live with, though. He takes a hell of a lot of patience. Funny thing is, I used to say that patience is not one my virtues.

Current Location: Englewood Library

Current Mood: loved

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Oct. 29th, 2007

10:51 am - Homeless no more!

Chris and I moved into our new apartment Thursday morning. We are both overjoyed to have a home again. Hopefully, sometime in the next two weeks, I'll be online at home again.

Chris's therapist recommended that I read "The Bipolar Child" by Demitri and Janice Papolos. I finally got the book from the library yesterday afternoon. Last night, I woke up at 1am and couldn't get back to sleep. (That's what sleeping on the floor will do for you) So, I went to my kitchen and started reading the book. Two hours later, I had to grab some paper and do some fast scribbling to capture my thoughts. I'm going to post it here, without editing.

"I've been crying off and on for the past hour. I've "known" that my son is bipolar but I never truly accepted the belief of it until now. Until now, and unknown to me, I've believed that Chris's problems *were* actually a result of bad parenting. It was my fault that he's the way he is. There was something about me, maybe me being single, maybe the unique way I look at the world, something about me that made him that way. I would MUCH rather believe there was something wrong with me than with my child.

But that belief does not help Chris. I was getting help *for* him, but *I* wasn't helping him. I was too busy punishing myself for being a bad parent.

After just the first two chapters of this book, after so many times of nodding my head and thinking "Yep, that's my boy." or my jaw dropping and thinking "My god, that's my boy!", I can finally accept that it is NOT my fault. I am NOT a bad parent.

Now I can allow myself to reach out for support and I know that, in doing so, I will become a better parent for my son."

Chris had an appointment with Adam, his therapist, this morning and I read that to him. I think he's known all along what I was doing. I'm so glad I found a good therapist for my son.

Sea

Current Location: Still at Southglenn Library

Current Mood: hopeful

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